One of my many reflections from this past summer came in the form
of a question. The young man who asked is one of my friends from Clarkston who spent many hours tagging along with me in an attempt to relieve the boredom of not being in school and living so far from his friends. To exchange the boredom of sitting at home alone for the boredom of long rides in the car, sitting in dentist’s offices and other tedious task with an old woman like me does not sound like much of a step up, but I guess there’s something to be said for conversation and an occasional ice cream cone on a hot summer day.
So late one night after one of our excursions, we were chatting on facebook when he asked me…”Ms. Becky – what do I call you? Are you teacher? Are you friend? People ask me who you are.” In the moment I think we chose “auntie” as a good description (and one that would make people wonder all the
more) but the question began a thought process that I am still wrestling with a bit.
I have found it to be a much deeper thought for me than just the surface question. Perhaps the question got deeper when I received another unexpected facebook message the other day.
It was after my daughter’s wedding and I had exchanged my profile picture for one with Naomi in it as a bride. A couple of days later I posted on my wall a tribute to my mom who passed away one year ago. So when I received a message from an old family friend – one who had never met my mother – I was slightly confused at first. And then it hit me. His beautiful eulogy was for me. He saw Naomi’s picture and thought that I had passed away. He was embarrassed when I wrote him to explain what had happened and apologize for the misunderstanding it had caused. I assured him that it was fine and that, in fact, it was quite nice to hear what someone thinks of you while you are still living.
All of this stirred in me…Who am I? And what would I want people to say about me when I’m gone? Am I living my life today (who am I?) in such a way that their words about me when I am gone will show a true picture of what I hope my life has been? While these questions could be a bit sobering – I am finding them to be exhilarating. I am not dead yet and I still have time to live my dream – whether I have 24 hours or 24 years – I still have time.
So who am I? I feel like I have been undergoing metamorphosis. I find myself in strange places with unlikely people around me. It takes me a few minutes to acclimate and figure out which path I took that led me here. This is happening more and more as I yield to what God is doing in my life and as I stop
clinging to what it was “supposed to” look like.
So I guess the answer the question is “I am a woman becoming …” I am a mentor, I am a writer, and I am a plethora of other things I have not yet begun to be. Most of all – I am a willing servant. As God says go – I pick up my feet. Remember the old adage from years ago – “when he says jump – you say how high?” Well – I feel this way every day. Where He leads me I will follow. I don’t need to know how to pronounce the name of it because I can look it up on a map!
But knowing who I am is only a part of the story, because who I am is not who I will be when I am finished becoming who I was created to be. Therefore the second question is at the crux of my musing these days. What would I want people to say about me when I’m gone? First of all, I want to live my life in a way that they will know that I was a lover of people and a lover of God. I want the young ones I am privileged to work with to know that I “saw” them with open eyes – the good and the bad – and I believed in them even when they did not believe in themselves. I want them to know that I believed that their dreams were possible and that this belief led me to action to help them see their dreams come true.
And at the end of my days I hope that people know the love of God more deeply because they saw it in me.
I am sure that this is not the end of my musing. This is another beginning. It is a touchstone to come back to when I am trying to figure out if what I am doing means anything in the grand scheme of my life. I am grateful that God places timely questions in our path so that we can re-evaluate who and where we are. As “who I am” unfolds – I can measure where I am now in light of where I want to be then. I am thankful that God’s mercies are new every morning.
So let me ask you..."what do I call you?"