I remember when I first learned that I was a perfectionist. I went to a training intensive for homeschool parents and I chose this workshop so I could find out how to “minister” to my perfectionist husband. They had us take a test. And, did you guess it? I scored like a 99 out of 100 on the perfectionist spectrum! I was shocked and I wanted to make sure the teacher understood that there was something wrong with the test. “This can’t be accurate,” I said. “I cannot be a perfectionist. I can’t even do anything to please myself, let alone others.” She kind of looked at me with a funny glance and waited until what I had just said sank in.
For a perfectionist I am pretty flexible about taking on the unanticipated. Life seems to do this to me quite often. I have a lot of different “parts” of my life. I am involved in a lot of things and sometimes I don’t feel like I do any of them well. And then when I add something that isn’t in my normal repertoire, it throws me. The new task becomes consuming, because it has to be done perfectly, and the old tasks don’t get done well, and … well, let’s just say it gets overwhelming and then I shut down and it can be a vicious cycle.
Every once in a while things get a little out of control. I get irritated and “out of whack” and need to stop and bring things back in order. But, you see, this is a problem of the perfectionist. We find it hard to start something we can’t finish perfectly so we get stuck. And things stay the same…or get worse.
Striving. It seems like I have always been striving…to get every wrinkles out, to get the clothes cleaner, to memorize it so I don’t mess up, to have an absolutely straightened house. In fact, there was a point my husband and I were both working full time and having a very hard time keeping up with the housework. So my husband hired a maid. What a blessing! She would come every Thursday. And every Wednesday night I would stay up late picking up and making sure it wasn’t too messy for her. But I was NOT a perfectionist!
I make lists that have so many bullet points I would need 30 more hours in a day to accomplish it all. And then I make another list so I know what lists I have. (If you think I’m kidding, ask me and I will show you!) There are daily lists and weekly lists and monthly lists and… You get the picture.
But in the past few years I think I am learning that it is my imperfection that makes me most useful to the kingdom of God. This is what I am learning about perfection.
Perfection doesn’t allow for change. A perfect man has no need of a holy God. It is the sinner who finds forgiveness at the foot of a rugged cross. God’s Word tells us that “everyone has sinned. No one measures up to God’s glory.” (Romans 3:23, NIRV) “If we go around bragging, ‘We have no sin,’ then we are fooling ourselves and are strangers to the truth. But if we own up to our sins, God shows that He is faithful and just by forgiving us of our sins and purifying us from the pollution of all the bad things we have done. If we say, ‘We have not sinned,’ then we depict God as a liar and show that we have not let His word find its way into our hearts.” (1 John 1:8-10, VOICE)
It is recognizing HIS perfection that allows us to see our sin. And it is HIS perfection that changes us.
Perfection doesn’t allow for transparency. I work with youth. I observe them as they observe me… and others. They have this innate ability to see through what is fake. I think most of us do. Since we know that none of us are perfect, what purpose does it serve to pretend to be perfect. My imperfections have given me far more opportunities to speak into the lives of others. There is something about imperfection redeemed that makes us relatable. “But this beautiful treasure is contained in us--cracked pots made of earth and clay—so that the transcendent character of this power will be clearly seen as coming from God and not from us.” (2 Corinthians 4:7, NIRV)
It is God who is doing a work in us. We have nothing to offer the process but a broken and willing heart. We must invite Him to continue to make us new. We will not be perfect this side of heaven. But let Him redeem those things in us which are not perfect. Let Him continue taking us from one glory to another as it says in 2 Corinthians 3:18. “Now all of us, with our faces unveiled, reflect the glory of the Lord as if we are mirrors; and so we are being transformed, metamorphosed, into His same image from one radiance of glory to another, just as the Spirit of the Lord accomplishes it.”
This verse says “with our faces unveiled.” We are not to keep the veil on until we are perfect. We are to let His light shine on our imperfections as we begin to reflect what He is doing in us. It says that “we are being transformed.”
Perfection doesn’t allow for interruption. When I am doing something with the goal of perfection, I must stay completely focused on the task at hand. I cannot be distracted or I might miss a stitch in the seam or forget a cobweb in a corner. I must wake up and have my lists ready to tick off: #1 - check, #2 - check, #3 - check. But the truth is that life is full of glorious interruptions. Simple things like sunbeams shining through the prisms in my window that make dancing shapes on the floor. A beautiful distraction. A grandchild that wants to make lunch which makes a mess which must be eaten together on the back porch and which must then be cleaned up so that ants don’t find the spilled jam. A delightful pause that could be easily missed in my efforts to be perfect.
God is in the business of interrupting people. Paul became Saul during a brilliant disruption of his day. I don’t think Moses was expecting a burning bush to change the course of, not just that day but, the rest of his life. And what about Peter…do you think he woke up and knew that this strange character named Jesus would show up at his boat and ask him to go with him to change the world?
Every time I think “today is the day I am going to get all my ducks in a row,” God throws a new duck in the pond. Or He removes one. Or He just stirs up the water! I am learning to just get in and swim with whatever ducks He gives me for this day. I have realized that the Christian life is not as orderly as one might think. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not in control. Really, that is what perfectionism is all about…control. Or the illusion of control. One day Joseph was his father’s favored child with a dream of greatness. The next day he was a slave. And a few days after that he as the ruler of Egypt. It seems like God knows what He is doing so I think I am going to stop trying to be perfect and just live my messy life!