1. to spend or use (money, time, etc.) extravagantly or
wastefully (often followed by away).
2. to scatter.
Squander is one of those words that sound like chalk on a blackboard in my soul. I have squandered many things in my lifetime. And very rarely would I use the word “extravagantly” to describe how it was done. Of course at the time I did not recognize it. We are usually caught up in the moment when we are practicing the art of squandering. It is in looking back that we see the “scattering” that our squandering has accomplished.
I have squandered money. For most of my adult life I have lived off royalties for songs that I have written. Sounds glamorous, doesn’t it? I suppose it could be if you were writing in the secular world where songs net hundreds of thousands of dollars for each royalty check. In our home, we wrote Contemporary Christian music. And the net from that has allowed us to survive. This is not a complaint. This is a reality for which I am extremely grateful. How many people get to write for a living? And do it to the glory of God? During those years, it was a lot more difficult to squander money. You see, we got paid every six months. Have you ever tried to budget for six months at a time – on money that was not meant to last that long? It was something I was good at. My mother had taught me well. She was a woman who had lived on a pastor’s salary of about $50 per week for most of my life. Of course God provided for our every need, but she still had to budget wisely. And so I learned.
The truth is that we squandered when we had too much. There was a year of our lives that, between the two of us, we brought in around $90,000. It was truly one of the worst years of my life. At this time, we were both working “secular” jobs and we were working long hours. So we did the things you do. We ate out because we had no time to cook. We stopped spending time with friends because we were tired. We no longer had time to write or pursue the other things we enjoyed. And the money that we were so “passionately” making, we squandered. In fact, we ended up in more debt that year than in any other of our 25 years together. How does that happen?
I have squandered time. How many hours have I wasted in front of a screen? There are so many times I have gotten caught up in front of the television or the computer and lost precious time. Not all of the time there was ill-spent. I have connected and re-connected with people who give me strength and hope and purpose. I have read and learned and grown. But if I were honest, that was probably only one-third of the moments spent. And then there was the mindless sitting. We are given so little time on this earth. I am not trying to say that we shouldn’t enjoy ourselves with some moments of frivolity. But when those moments outweigh moments of depth and purpose, it is time to balance the scales.
And what about all of the hours spent worrying over issues I was facing rather than spending moments taking them to the Father who loves me enough to want to meet my every need?
I have squandered relationships. I have let people slip through the cracks of time. I have forgotten to embrace when my arms were weary. I have spent more time gazing at the cracks in my own mirror than looking into the eyes of a broken friend. And for this, I weep. There are people I will never get back. There are losses from which I will never recover. There are people who should be gracing my life with their beauty but who, instead are placed in the shadows of the things I regret.
And most of all, I have squandered passion. I have allowed passion for earthly things to rob me of the passion for things worthwhile, and noble, and eternal. Some of us pass through this life not knowing or accepting what we do well. I know what my calling is. I know that I have a purpose and when I do not take it with both hands and do it with all of my might – I squander all that has been given me.
A few years ago, I began to recognize the squandering that I saw in the lives of people that I love. Of course it isn’t long, when you are searching, that you come back to yourself. It was when I began to see my own reflection that I began to long for more. I began to change. I was no longer satisfied living off the scraps that were left after I had wasted the greater portion. I am not a finished product. I still find myself squandering things that are priceless but I have made a covenant with myself that I will not continue in the same patterns. And step by step I will regain my footing all the while praying that God will redeem what I have scattered. I think He will.
© September 28, 2012