Near my hotel was a bamboo suspension bridge. I have always wanted to cross one so I was excited to have this opportunity. It was dark when we came back from exploring the night market and we decided to go across. My friend took the first steps onto the bridge. He is not very big, but as I heard it creak and groan I was immediately gripped with fear. He assured me it was fine so I took my first timid steps.
The bridge began to pitch and sway with each step he took, or I took forward. I very quickly grabbed the ropes on the side of the bridge and made my way across one tentative step after another, having to stop often to catch my breath and calm the terror in my chest.
It was so silly really. I was watching others cross without hesitation. My friend slowed down and I put my hand on his shoulder and all of a sudden I felt more secure and was able to reach the other side “safely.”
When I got back to my room I was still wrestling with what caused my fear. The bridge was not high above the water…not even a dozen feet. I love water and I can swim. I shouldn’t be afraid of falling in the water. I love the lights in the night so shadows of darkness shouldn’t have been a factor.
Control. That was the answer. With nothing to hold on to and the “foundation” shifting beneath my feet, I was out of control. Even though the bridge was still underneath me, even though I was still hemmed in on all sides by the rods and ropes, even though my friend was right in front of me, I lost control... or the illusion of control.
I decided I would try it again in the light of day to see if I felt more secure. So, today I ventured out. While I crossed with a little more confidence, I was still clinging to the sides and fear was still an obstacle.
Call me a glutton for adventure…or punishment…but I saw another bridge down the way and decided to explore what was happening to me internally. I wanted to conquer this. (You can read regain control!)
I stepped out onto this new bridge. Ah…it seemed so much more stable. Until about one-third of the way across when it started bouncing up and down. Here we go again I thought as I grabbed hold of the side to make it across. My friend and I sat at the other end of the bridge and talked about how the bridge was probably a parable for something in my life. What was the lesson? Something shifted in me and I determined I was going back across by myself. I wasn’t going to hold on and I was going to keep my eyes straight ahead.
God whispered to my heart. “This is your life. I allow you to see the “green” in people others have left for dead. You are willing to go to them, but sometimes in the middle of your journey your own fears overtake you. Sometimes the struggles that come want to throw you and you want to give up. You cannot take your eyes off me. I am the green that you see. It is my life you see in them. Keep your eyes on the end goal… which is restoring that life. Don’t let the circumstances shake you. Don’t let that fear grip your heart. I am under you and around you. You are going to make it to the other side. Focus on the end of the road. See what I see. Don’t get distracted by the things happening around you. Leave that to me. Just keep going.”
With His voice pushing me forward, I made it to the other end of the bridge. The funny thing is…I never got all the way to the plant that I was focused on. I only made it across the bridge. The plant was still in the distance. It felt like the work was not done. As I sat down to write, this was a question still bouncing around in my head. God had to remind me that in the harvest, the one who nurtures is not always the one who sees the fruit of their labor. My job is to “see” and to encourage growth. To believe and speak life. God may let me see the end of the story or I may have to wait until heaven. Either way, I need to continue crossing the bridges that close the gaps between the broken ones and the ones who have lost hope for them.
While I stepped on that first bridge with confidence, I was easily shaken. I surrendered my life to God a long time ago. I don’t hesitate to step out and go when and where He sends me. But on the bridge today I realized that I will still have moments when the challenges I face will try to steal my courage from me. I must remember Who wrote the story, and Who is really in control.