An unexplainable wave of tears came over me. Not deep heart-wrenching sobs. Just tears streaming down my face as if a dam had given way somewhere far up the river, somewhere deep in my soul.
We are taught not to talk to strangers. We are taught not to trust anyone who is not like us. We are taught to keep a safe distance and to respect culture. We are especially taught that physical contact is to be feared or that it is taboo. Bad experiences further solidify this notion until we are closed off, and untouchable.
I spent a good portion of my life not allowing anyone too close. Of course I had learned this fear at an early age and it was engraved on my soul by malevolent men who misused my trust. That fear had insidiously wrapped itself around me.
So I kept myself at arms-length, barely brushing against those who passed through my life. These things I was taught to believe have affected how I relate to the world around me. They kept me from blessing others with MY warmth and my love. And they kept me from receiving kindness and gentleness that I often so desperately need.
God has been teaching me some pretty big lessons on this crazy journey called life. And this trip to Thailand and back had its own curriculum.
As I have found freedom from the restraints of the “six-inch rule” I grew up with, I have found release to give love as well. I am learning that even the hardest heart finds comfort and peace in a hug. Touch seems to say “I see you and I am willing to get my hands dirty for you.” It can show someone who has only known the harsh reality of a hand across the face what it means to have a hand wipe away tears. Or just to have a supportive squeeze on the shoulder. So I determined that on this trip I would bravely and willingly love and be loved.
In my last blog (Trust), I shared about the gentle man who held my hand as I navigated the hillside of the refugee camp in the middle of the night. I know that this out of the “norm” for his culture, but in those moments we operated in survival mode and not within the conventions which are handed down to us.
Several of the students at this school in the refugee camp call me Mom. I think is this part of the trust that built over time and conversation. I listen. I care. I pray. I love. And this trip, I allowed myself to hug, to get close. I found that, rather than pushing away, it built more trust. If I had not reached across those unseen barriers, I would have been withholding part of who God created me to be.
But, I find that I still struggle when others want to offer me touch as a gift. I am grateful for the opportunities to grow while on this trip. Let me tell you about tonight. Tonight was rough. Because of all the climbing I had to do in Thailand, I have been in a lot of pain. I have had many people praying for me, but I knew that this 24 hour flight home would be a challenge.
About sixteen hours into the trip, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. I had walked and stretched every hour. I had drunk an ocean of water in an effort to keep hydrated. But my legs were locking up and spasming.
There was an empty seat between myself and the window seat that held my seatmate. She was using it to stretch out and sleep. In her broken English she offered the space to me a few times, but I refused. Just as I was beginning to give up to the insanity of the pain, she reached over and lifted my legs onto the seat. She took all of our pillows and blankets and her own jacket to cushion my back and legs and arms, trying to make me comfortable. And then she began to rub my feet and knees. I am not going to lie – my first instinct was to pull back, to say no thank you. But when my tears began to flow, I realized that this was a gift from my Heavenly Father.
I have poured out a lot of myself over the past few weeks. I dug into resources that I didn’t know I had to make it through. I think God was looking at me and saying “I see you and I am willing to get my hands dirty for you.”
I am now into hour 20 and I think I am going to be able to finish well. But only because I received the gift of touch when it was offered.
“Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” Matthew 6:8
“My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19