Growing up in a pastor’s family gave me a lot of glimpses into the lives of people and I think it made me jaded. I saw that people can be cruel when someone slips and falls from grace. It was an early realization, in those long-ago moments, that this knowledge didn’t really seem to affect me, but its effect on me over time was much more far-reaching and deep.
The first thing that I learned was the sanctity of the privacy of others so that the wolves don’t eat the weak. I learned not to view the church as a safe place, because not all of the sheep in the fold were safe. Some were only dressed in fine wool.
I learned that I must never do anything that would make me susceptible to those wolves. It seemed that they were everywhere – just waiting for me to mess up. So I determined to avoid the people who were outside of the church so they wouldn’t find a weakness that they could prey on and lead me down a wrong path. And I avoided the people in the church so they wouldn’t find any weaknesses that they could “pray” on as those who gossip often do. Because even in my isolation I messed up.
And thus I began to build the gates to keep myself safe within and to attempt to keep out the wolves and any sheep that might show themselves untrustworthy. But the more sheep I pushed out of my little fold – the more alone I became. And through the bars that were surrounding my heart, even the good sheep began to look like wolves in the shadows.
Many of you who read my blog already know me and you knew this about me long before I did. I won’t walk you through the many years of living with my heart in this condition. But I can tell you that I wasn’t really aware that I was in a cage. The few friends I had tried to tell me; tried to encourage me back out into the world. In fact, I had pushed them so far away that I couldn’t even hear them anymore.
When the world crashed into my gates a few years back, I struggled to keep up the fortress. But God was gracious, and He sent along some new friends with new resolve to see me free. Each time we would meet, they would take another piece of the gate with them when they left. They did not drag me out of my walls, but they did leave me less and less protected by my bars and more and more protected by their love and care for my soul. It was a process. It did not happen overnight. But, without a doubt, I would not be standing here today if it were not for them. I don’t have to call them by name here. They know who they are. And they know how much I love them. You see, I never walked away from God. But I had run away from His people. And these dear friends gave me back my faith in the sheep. They helped me believe that God is sovereign over the wolves.
My story does not end here. I am still growing. I have come so far out from behind those walls now that once in a while I look down and get scared like Peter did when he got too far away from the boat. Sometimes I feel vulnerable. There are times when I want to retreat. But I am still pushing through.
The other night I had been invited to a concert. It was going to be in the language that I am learning. And I was tired. And I only knew two of the people who were going to be attending. And that old fear crept in. I decided to go home rather than go to the concert. But as I rounded the corner toward my house, I had to pass the church. And when I saw the cars in the parking lot, I wanted to go inside the church and enjoy this event. But I drove past, telling myself that it would be foolish for me to go because the event started an hour ago – another perfectly lovely excuse not to attend. When I got to the next stop sign, I went around the block and went back to the church, resolving to “just do it.” I am not ashamed to say that I did this three times before I finally parked and got out of my car and went in.
The end of the story is this. When we trust our hearts (or more importantly God’s heart toward us) we are able to walk freely and not fear. I stepped through the door of that gymnasium and was immediately greeted by three of my new friends. I sat down and it did not bother me at all that I was sitting alone. But even in this, God was gracious. Another of my friends saw me there and came to welcome me. And then he sat down. And I enjoyed every moment of the evening sitting there as a sheep among sheep, never
once fearing whether there were any wolves.