But today I was able to weep. I was alone and it came. Not floods, but holes in the armor let it seep out. The friend who sent an email that reminds me that God is with us even in the stuff that doesn’t look like His work. The friends who have offered yet one more ride to and from the airport when I was afraid to even ask. Even the “confirm” button on my computer when I finally decided on the flight times. All brought tears.
I remember a time when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was going through some troubling circumstances at work and I felt like I needed to leave my job. But I was afraid to make the decision because it would have meant a drastic loss of income. My ob/gyn was an elder at our church and I was sharing my heart with him in the office one day. He looked me in the eye and said “you are worried about the outcome of a decision that you have not yet made and Satan has a hold on you. Perhaps God just wants you to let go so that He can step in and provide a way of escape. Just make a decision and let God do the rest.” My decision to leave that job opened the door for more/better work. And most of all it released me from the enemy’s reign of fear in my life. It is so easy to get distracted by fear.
God is the skilled conductor who is attempting to keep our focus so that we do not miss the moves He makes, or His timing, or the interaction with the other instruments. What do you want me to do next God? What is my next step? If I look to the first chair violin, I might miss what He has for me. If I let my mind wander, I will miss my cues. Each moment is an exercise in paying such close attention that I can “feel” the music and follow His every move. Since my father always wanted to be a conductor, I think this is a suitable analogy for what I share next.
Many of you already know that since 2010 I lost my only sister, my only brother, and my mother. That leaves my father and I. In the past few weeks his memory has begun to fade. The beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. It is a diagnosis that he has not been willing to embrace. It often leaves him lost and alone. Ours has not been an easy relationship. He is stubborn and strong-willed – and I am cut from the same cloth. So now we are navigating this journey from almost 1000 miles apart and it has not been easy to remember that God is good – ALL the time. I just returned a couple of weeks ago from a trip to visit and assess the situation. It was tumultuous. It brought up a lot of old scars for me. But we stayed the course and made it to the other side. But now He is failing even more quickly. And he knows it. So we are trying to make the most of our time. I am headed back up next week to see if we can make it a safer and gentler ride for him.
I will be the first to say that I am not good at this. But I can also say that if I let God hold the baton, all I really need to do is watch and listen. Dad taught me to feel the music from the time I was a little child. Sometimes, when the pianist (often my mother) or the choir director or one of the singers would carry a song away in a tempo that didn’t suit, he would stop the music and say “let’s do that again – follow me”. He would begin to direct as he had learned to do in that one conducting class he took in seminary. And all of a sudden that song would come to life and we would understand what the composer had meant for us to feel.
I think sometimes we are afraid to feel. We rush through. We make short, choppy decisions when the “music” we are playing calls for long, mournful notes. Crescendo when it should be diminuendo. Piano when life calls for forte. And it takes a skilled conductor to bring us back to the meaning of the piece we are going through. My pastor prayed with me yesterday that God would orchestrate each step over the next few weeks. I thought that was a fitting term to use. So today I have rested in this and I love watching how God is putting the pieces together. Every detail. There are still unanswered questions, but I am falling on His grace today. And hopefully tomorrow and the next day and the next. And somehow I believe that the music that we make during this season will be pleasing and rich and full. And above all, I hope that it brings glory to the Master Musician who has arranged every note.