There seemed to be no reason for these thoughts to be rearing their ugly heads. I have been seeing confirmation after confirmation of God’s direction. God has opened doors. He has given me favor in a new community. He has allowed me to walk in places that are squarely on the path in the direction I think He is taking me. And I have been given tools which will assist me as I go.
But there was this nagging fear that kept crawling up my spine. I felt like there was a weight that was sitting on my shoulders and I could not shake it loose no matter what I tried.
I sat with a friend last week who spoke deeply into my heart. We were together a mere matter of moments when I was already opening my journal to write down my thoughts. We have this kind of relationship. We both open the pages and leave them on the table while we fellowship because invariably we will spur one another on with our words. She was talking about letting go of things that were holding us back. As she spoke, I wrote down some things that I knew I needed to release. An hour or so into our conversation, she called out one of those very things from my page.
Confirmation. In that moment, God placed His finger on an area of my life that was taking up space in my head, and in my heart, and in my home. Sometimes we are so blind to the obvious that we continue to trip over it rather than picking it up and moving it out of the way.
God has been speaking to my heart for the past three years. Simplify. That has been the word. My heart has wanted to be free to pick up and go when God calls. He knew that in order to be free, I must simplify. I knew exactly what He meant. It did not need to be defined. But I have stalled in the process. I would work at it for a while and then I would hit a wall. At the table in the restaurant that night I recognized it for what it was. But that recognition doesn’t break down the wall. It is ME who must break down the wall. It is ME who must do the work to get to the other side.
The wall for me is the fear of letting go. Letting go of these “things” that I have held onto. There are a myriad of reasons that I have held them in my grasp. None of those explanations supercede the fact that I am not to hold them anymore. My past…my security…my safety…my comfort. God does not want me dragging those things into His plan for me. If I keep guarding myself from letting these things go, I will not have my hands free to embrace what He has for me. HE is redeeming my past. HE is my only security and safety. How can I ask for comfort when I am being called to work with those who have none? I am to be a minister of comfort. I am to let the Holy Spirit work through me to bring comfort.
But God I need to know that You are with me.
“And lo, I am with you always even unto the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20)
“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?” (Psalm 139:7)
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)
I am letting go. With both hands. I am tired of holding on with all my might. I am excited for the journey. I am coming to peace with the process.